Yard Sale Lament

My parents downsized, my grandparents passed away, and over the course of several years, I inherited some lovely things – and a bushel of crap. My garage, a warehouse of memories and waffle irons, burst with I’ll-refinish-this-someday projects and why-the-hell-do-I-need-28-candleholders curses to the point where something had to give; insight struck.

 “I’ll have a yard sale!” I said after a lovely Merlot.

And I did.

No one died, that’s the take-away.

For the yard sale connoisseur, the below post may offend at first blush; I apologize. (But some of you are token holders on the express train to Thorazine Town!) All I can say and stay G-rated is yard sales attract two types of shoppers: the genuine bargain hunter, and the….

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Heeeeeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Johnny!

A yard sale, or what we now refer to in my home as Never-The-BLEEP-Again-Sale is a lesson in tolerance; I flunked. If you are brave enough, desperate enough, or simply a daytime drinker with time to kill and and junk to sell, here’s five Do’s and Don’ts in surviving the yard sale underbelly. And because my writer mind is always thinking in book titles, I’ll include bestseller examples for visual interest.

Do remain negotiable; don’t give it away. The wise haggle, the nut jobs steal. Title: Lemony Raincoat and the Vanishing Bicycle Pump.

Do advertise online; don’t list an address until the last minute. There is a fine line between drive-by and stalker. Title: The Girl with the Silver Honda.

Do offer refreshments; don’t negotiate lemonade. Honestly, if someone fights a $.50 cookie, can he truly afford the $.75 salad bowl? Title: One Chewed over the Cheapo’s Nest.

Do talk to shoppers, don’t encourage chatty. If, hypothetically, a convincing drag queen buys your LL Bean quilt and insists on revealing detailed examples of his/her boyfriend’s sexual prowess, run! Fake a phone call, anything! Nightmares ensue. Title: Tuesdays with Whorey.

Do be polite, don’t ignore suspicion. Remember, your fingerprints are on every item sold and therefore traceable. If a burly shopper purchases an axe, hand truck and rope there’s a good chance the feds will come knocking. A few covert photos can’t hurt. Title: Scary Potter and Car Trunk of Secrets.

Photo Credits: ©2013 JEKwan2013,©1980 The Shining (images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26100000/The-Shining-jack-nicholson-26184695-1200-928.jpg)