Sixteen years ago, the doctor sprang from behind the flimsy green sheet draping my nether regions with three magic words:
“It’s a boy!”
Two things happened: I cried. Hubby emailed the Yankees. Clearly, we express jubilation differently – but the core joy remains the same. In those first blissful moments, nothing could diminish our hopes and dreams, no one could tell us our sweet-smelling, cuddly bundle of cuteness would one day become…(dun, dun, DAAAAH), a teenager.
In my son’s defense, he is a great kid – and on most occasions – uses his brain for more than skull putty, but there are days…days when I wish the sympathetic discharge nurse sent us off with more than breastfeeding pamphlets and a knowing smile.
Three years and one blue stick later, we returned to the doctor for a first-peek ultrasound at baby number two.
Doc: “Do you want to know the sex?”
Me: (exchange nod with Hubby) “Yes.”
Hubby: “We’re happy either way, but I think it’s a girl.”
Doc: (giggles at monitor) “Your daughter has a penis.”
In addition to love and patience, raising sons takes research. However, there are lessons the books overlook – or possibly exclude for fear of mass panic. Here’s a small guide, a public service announcement for boy parents everywhere:
Top Ten Boy Bombshells
- Infant: Prevent urine dilated pupils: Penis down before diaper.
- Toddler: Helmets. Boys run – walking is for the weak.
- Age 3: Tile backsplash all toilets. Aim develops with age.
- Age 5: Budget big for teacher gifts. Kindergarten = combat pay.
- Age 8: Santa & all hopes of avoiding orthodontics disappear.
- Age 11: The Death of Hygiene. Sports carpool = smelling salts.
- Age 12: Goodbye soprano, hello Barry White.
- Age 13: The Talk. Have it, or prep for a bitter Granny role on Teen Moms.
- Age 15: Girlfriends. Do not get attached! Yeast lives longer than teen love.
- Age 16: Hide car keys, cologne and any food you want a morsel of.
Additions welcome! Sorry – no daughter advice, but I hear prayer and wine work wonders!