Oh Boy!

Sixteen years ago, the doctor sprang from behind the flimsy green sheet draping my nether regions with three magic words:

“It’s a boy!”

Two things happened: I cried. Hubby emailed the Yankees. Clearly, we express jubilation differently – but the core joy remains the same. In those first blissful moments, nothing could diminish our hopes and dreams, no one could tell us our sweet-smelling, cuddly bundle of cuteness would one day become…(dun, dun, DAAAAH), a teenager.

In my son’s defense, he is a great kid – and on most occasions – uses his brain for more than skull putty, but there are days…days when I wish the sympathetic discharge nurse sent us off with more than breastfeeding pamphlets and a knowing smile.

Three years and one blue stick later, we returned to the doctor for a first-peek ultrasound at baby number two.

Doc: “Do you want to know the sex?”

Me: (exchange nod with Hubby) “Yes.”

Hubby: “We’re happy either way, but I think it’s a girl.”

Doc: (giggles at monitor) “Your daughter has a penis.”

In addition to love and patience, raising sons takes research. However, there are lessons the books overlook –  or possibly exclude for fear of mass panic. Here’s a small guide, a public service announcement for boy parents everywhere:

       Top Ten Boy Bombshells

  1. Infant:  Prevent urine dilated pupils: Penis down before diaper.
  2. Toddler:  Helmets. Boys run – walking is for the weak.
  3. Age 3: Tile backsplash all toilets. Aim develops with age.
  4. Age 5: Budget big for teacher gifts. Kindergarten = combat pay.
  5. Age 8: Santa & all hopes of avoiding orthodontics disappear.
  6. Age 11: The Death of Hygiene.  Sports carpool = smelling salts.
  7. Age 12: Goodbye soprano, hello Barry White.
  8. Age 13: The Talk. Have it, or prep for a bitter Granny role on Teen Moms.
  9. Age 15: Girlfriends. Do not get attached! Yeast lives longer than teen love.
  10. Age 16: Hide car keys, cologne and any food you want a morsel of.

Additions welcome! Sorry – no daughter advice, but I hear prayer and wine work wonders!

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2 comments on “Oh Boy!

  1. I love this! I had forgotten about the diaper sprinkler! How many times I had to rinse my hair in the sink before I learned! And the tile backsplash- yes they were installed.

    My addition is pretty general. As a mother of 4 boys, all born in 5.5 years, I tell people just to decide that noise and dirt do not bother them. If they can convince themselves of this, they will find boys to be delightful creatures!

    Oh, and one more, while it is important to have “the talk” early and often, be especially sure you have had it when the hygiene is resurrected and twice daily, long showers become the norm.

    • Hi Molly & thanks for stopping by! Four boys? You go direct to Heaven – do not pass go! And let me tell you, the long showers have begun – water bill was sky high this month. 🙂

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