Dear Easter Bunny:
After careful review, the management has concluded your lackluster job performance leaves us no choice other than termination. Please refer to the below performance citations when debating legal action.
Insubordination: February 1, 2013. When asked by superiors to work overtime in order to meet growing Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg demand, Mr. Bunny refused, displayed an inappropriate hand gesture, and was overheard saying, “Kiss my fluffy cotton tail, suckers! I’m union. Contract says ONE Sunday, you get one Sunday!”
Attire: March 12, 2013. Despite repeat warnings by Human Resources, Mr. Bunny refused to wear pants on the chocolate covered raisins assembly line. Catastrophic product mislabeling and several distributor complaints have resulted in numerous lawsuits.
Sexual Harassment: March 21, 2013. Charges filed by the Tooth Fairy after Mr. Bunny approached her at the Fictional Characters Convention and stated, “Hey cutie, I’ll show you my jelly beans if you show me yours?”
Productivity: March 29, 2013. The group SATP, Sick And Tired Parents, has lodged a formal complaint against Mr. Bunny calling into question egg dying responsibilities. SATP states purple fingers and vinegar odor falls under “Bunny Duty” in the parent/rodent contract. A representative for SATP received a scathing email in which Mr. Bunny graphically suggested where STAP could hide their eggs this year.
Failed Drug Test: March 30, 2013: As part of an ongoing initiative to improve employee health and spread awareness to the drug epidemic in this country, the management randomly selects individuals for spot urine tests. Mr. Bunny tested positive for marijuana. When questioned, he said, “What, you morons put me in charge of basket grass; who wouldn’t roll a couple?”
Mr. Bunny, we wish you nothing but success in your future endeavors. Please leave your parking pass and ID badge with Santa on the way out.