To Scribe or Unsubscribe

Humor me for a second.

I’m married, happily; have been for nineteen years. We speak English, go to church, and eat normal, easy to digest food. Given all these scintillating factors, can someone, anyone explain why my inbox suddenly became a hotbed of advertising insanity? Truly, the marketeers behind these gems must be a top-notch band of professionals. I made it a point to respond to each email with sincerity – see below. 

Exhibit A

“If you have considered trying Christian Dating online, Christian Mingle is the site for you. Christian Mingle is the online community created specifically for Christian singles looking to find friends, romance or marriage.”

My response: “Dear Mingling Christians: I applaud your mission to help others find love, however as a Christian myself, I must refuse your tempting offer. It’s those pesky commandments, seems one husband is the limit and I hear the big Guy is somewhat rigid on this one. Sincerely, UNSUBSCRIBE ME!”

Exhibit B

“If you’re one of the many men over 50 or women over 50 looking for a rewarding new relationship, come join the SeniorPeopleMeet community. By creating a profile on our site, you’ll be connected to others who are looking for the same thing as you— a meaningful new relationship and a chance to find love with another person in your age group.”

My response: “Dear SeniorPeople: I’m 40 something; leave me alone. The only meaningful new relationship I want is with twenty-year-old metabolism. Sincerely, UNSUBSCRIBE ME.”

Exhibit C:

“Let Dr. Paul Pimsleur personally escort you to the country of your choice…as you quickly start speaking their language. Dr. Pimsleur devoted his life to language research and applied linguistics. As a result, his programs quickly gained popularity at Harvard.”

My Response: “Dear Dr. Pimsleur: Did they not teach you how to count at Harvard? This is the ocho email you’ve sent. Please stop before I go fou on your cabeza with a marteau! Sincerely, UNSUBSCRIBE ME!”

Exhibit D

Women to Women’s Personal Program:   Our exciting changes! Women to Women’s Personal Program: Eliminate embarrassing gas, bloating and constipation. Our digestive product — just $55!”

My response: “Dear Women to Women: You sound like a great bunch of gals to party with, but I’m going to suffer though my bloating and constipation solo. Sincerely, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNSUBSCRIBE ME!”

I realize these solicitations are the direct result of web searches – a word here, a phrase there – let’s see if the new SPAM filter can block the invasion of Bilingual Gassy Senior Christians.  (Is it me, or does that sound like a great new apocalypse game for Xbox?)

 

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