Yard Sale Lament

My parents downsized, my grandparents passed away, and over the course of several years, I inherited some lovely things – and a bushel of crap. My garage, a warehouse of memories and waffle irons, burst with I’ll-refinish-this-someday projects and why-the-hell-do-I-need-28-candleholders curses to the point where something had to give; insight struck.

 “I’ll have a yard sale!” I said after a lovely Merlot.

And I did.

No one died, that’s the take-away.

For the yard sale connoisseur, the below post may offend at first blush; I apologize. (But some of you are token holders on the express train to Thorazine Town!) All I can say and stay G-rated is yard sales attract two types of shoppers: the genuine bargain hunter, and the….


Heeeeeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Johnny!

A yard sale, or what we now refer to in my home as Never-The-BLEEP-Again-Sale is a lesson in tolerance; I flunked. If you are brave enough, desperate enough, or simply a daytime drinker with time to kill and and junk to sell, here’s five Do’s and Don’ts in surviving the yard sale underbelly. And because my writer mind is always thinking in book titles, I’ll include bestseller examples for visual interest.

Do remain negotiable; don’t give it away. The wise haggle, the nut jobs steal. Title: Lemony Raincoat and the Vanishing Bicycle Pump.

Do advertise online; don’t list an address until the last minute. There is a fine line between drive-by and stalker. Title: The Girl with the Silver Honda.

Do offer refreshments; don’t negotiate lemonade. Honestly, if someone fights a $.50 cookie, can he truly afford the $.75 salad bowl? Title: One Chewed over the Cheapo’s Nest.

Do talk to shoppers, don’t encourage chatty. If, hypothetically, a convincing drag queen buys your LL Bean quilt and insists on revealing detailed examples of his/her boyfriend’s sexual prowess, run! Fake a phone call, anything! Nightmares ensue. Title: Tuesdays with Whorey.

Do be polite, don’t ignore suspicion. Remember, your fingerprints are on every item sold and therefore traceable. If a burly shopper purchases an axe, hand truck and rope there’s a good chance the feds will come knocking. A few covert photos can’t hurt. Title: Scary Potter and Car Trunk of Secrets.

Photo Credits: ©2013 JEKwan2013,©1980 The Shining (images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26100000/The-Shining-jack-nicholson-26184695-1200-928.jpg)


4 comments on “Yard Sale Lament

  1. Carrie Kramer says:

    Loved this K! Arden and I classified three types of yard sale shoppers when we lived in Albuquerque. The Early Birds: came way before you opened, knew EXACTLY what they wanted and purchased all of the good stuff. The Runners: a car full of people pull up – and one gets tossed out of the car to “view” – they signal for the others to get out and park the car if you stuff passes muster – if not, the runner sprints back to the car and doesn’t look back. Lastly, the Drive-Bys. These are typically elderly women who can barely see over the steering wheel – there are a few of them crammed inside and they drive old white cadallics or large sedan type cars – they drive by slowly and roll downt the windows to determine if it is worth a stop or not. Then they continue to roll right through the stop sign at the corner of your street…

  2. Bwahahaha! We had at least three groups of gramdmas do just that. All in big cars, all giving us the “are they worthy” eye. 😉

  3. Jane Sadek says:

    The new house we’re building will be bigger than our current home, have a larger garage and a huge walk-in attic. I’ve NEVER had an attic I could get into that easily – nor one so large. I intend to move EVERYTHING!

  4. Hi Jane! We’ve been blessed with a huge basement and attic, thus the furniture traffic jam. 🙂 It was time to clean house. Good luck with your home sale!

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