Twitter Is Stranger Than Fiction

In my daily thirty seconds of free time, I Tweet. Not to say I don’t check-in with other social media sites, but I find Twitter gives me the fastest infusion of useless BS – I crave useless BS, 140 characters of titillating nonsense is perfect. Seriously, the cyber-high I get from random stranger’s political rants and celebrity romance speculation makes me appreciate my life’s boredom all the more – thank you swim carpool and orthodontist appointments.

Confession – I’m a Twitter rookie, far from the hashtag black-belts out there trending and tagging like Thorazine deficient lunatics; no, I’m more of a put-off-the-day-job kind of social media surfer, a killing-time-at-DMV since 2011 gal; A-typical Twit-Chick, or so I thought.

Like most, I enjoy posts from friends, authors and actors I follow, and on occasion,  I make a comment. However, last week, Lord save us, I made a terrible mistake.

I read the other comments.

Don’t do that

Ever.

God will kill a puppy.

Understand, the comment-horror stemmed primarily from celebrity-fanatics, rarely are my friends and family lumped in this group – but hey, it happens. We’re an expressive bunch – not potential clients for Nurse Ratched, but still, slightly reactionary.

Fearing a three-alarm blaze, my ingrained Irish Catholic has thus far refrained from lighting devotional candles for the souls of the delusional, confused, bat-shit crazy Tweeters who, for some reason, cannot distinguish truth from fiction.  Being the compassionate soul that I am, I’ve developed an affirmation to help those battling Imaginary Twitter Syndrome (ITS):

I, (State your @ScreenName), have never met, spoken to, gone to the farmer’s market with, had the lovechild of, spent time in jail with, played drums in the band of, been lost at sea with, partied at the beach house of, or been tested for STD’s resulting from a tryst with (State Celebrity @Screen Name).

Repeat as necessary.

Twitter is a fantastic tool; you shouldn’t be, use the power of the Tweet for good. The world needs more positive, more chocolate cake recipes, puppy pictures, more one-liners of fun and frivolity.

Oh yeah…and more @PropertyBrother, the world needs more @PropertyBrother #menwithhammers #impurethoughts #ineedaminutealone.

Half-Triathlon Training Update: I haven’t died. This is progress. #swimslikecat

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