Gone to the Dogs – Volume 3

Hi everyone, Maggie here, Mom is indisposed so I’m handling today’s post.


And by indisposed, I mean Captain Estrogen underestimated the bounce-back capabilities of a 45-year-old body at the gym yesterday. Heavy bag training sounds fun until you’re packing your arthritic joints with enough frozen vegetable medley to feed greater Manhattan – never eat peas at our house, they’ve been in bad places.

Anyhow, since Mom’s in a muscle-relaxer haze, you get me, and I’ve chosen to bend your ear about something we overheard at the dog park. Here’s how it went down:

Husband: My mom’s so lonely; we should get her a dog!

Wife: Oh, she’d love that!

Husband: Think of how much more exercise she would get.  Her physical therapist would be thrilled. A dog is good company; she loves Gizmo! (His randy and CLEARLY intact Boxer – talk about low hanging fruit!)

Wife: Let’s get her one for Christmas, maybe another Boxer! She’ll be so surprised!

Husband: I’ll help train it – Giz was easy and he’s so obedient. (Giz knocked over a bystander and violated a tree stump in the time it took him to finish this sentence.)

OK, let’s break this down like one of those reading comprehension exercises in grammar school. Other than the couple being the result of inbreeding, how many problems can you spot in this conversation? The answer is too many.

Pets are family, not gifts and NEVER surprises. Imagine if your husband/wife/SO surprised you with a new family member under the tree. “Merry Christmas, sweetie! This is Erwin. I met him on the subway selling pennies to his imaginary friend Satan and he’s going to live with us now. He’s almost housebroken! Isn’t that great!”

Yeah, no, and I guarantee that’s exactly how this poor woman will feel when Dumb and Dumber surprise her with a dog.

And when Fido steals the fruitcake and sprints for parts unknown, you can bet Dumb and Dumber won’t stick around for the after effects.  A 3:00AM diarrhea run does not mix well with 80-year-old bionic-hips and snowy sidewalks.

Remember, pets are family, not Fiestaware wrapped and ready for holiday delivery. We start out cute and cuddly…

maggie puppy

 But unless you’re prepared for chaos (and lots of love)…

maggie football



maggie label

Buy a fish. Fish are flushable.


2 comments on “Gone to the Dogs – Volume 3

  1. Love this, Maggie! (And sorry your mom’s indisposed…and thank for the warning about the peas.)

    You’re so right. Dogs aren’t flushable…but for some,people have tried, and the drain exited at our house. As I write this there are fourteen Pit Bulls within fifteen feet, all throwaways. I love to hear them sleep; they sound so secure.

    And may I tell you of another Maggie I knew? She was a Catahoula-Lab mix, and needed a home. She needed running room. which we didn’t have, so I was trying to find a good place for her.

    To the point of, when I had to have surgery, asking around the OR if anyone would like to meet her, before they put me under.

    My wife rolled her eyes so hard they stuck, so she was next on the table.

    But he laughs longest who laughs last, and one of the nurses had five acres, and wanted another dogs.

    And Maggie got a wonderful home!

  2. Aw, glad your Maggie found a home, Andrew! xo

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