Candid Christmas

I’ve had a good year, a really good year. In fact, I can’t remember the last time so many great things happened in our house. Oh, we’ve had our share of crap – hey, crap happens. That’s why this year I’m determined to release the holiday stress and spread Christmas cheer like mistletoe-herpes at an elf convention.

Ah yes, I’ve relinquished the idyllic Currier & Ives myth in favor of a more Kendall & Jackson holiday, and in doing so, overlooked the more temper-inducing moments of Christmas preparation.

Perhaps it’s better if I explain in song….

12 Days of Not Killing Anyone

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

Strep throat, he gave me friggin’ strep throat.

On the second day of Christmas my children gave to me…

Multiple sleepover guests. Hell, pure hell.

On the third day of Christmas my credit card gave to me…

Fraud alert.  Apparently, I love porn.

On the fourth day of Christmas my colleague gave to me…

Obits. The sexy beat we all kill for.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Labrador gave to me…

Fiiiiivvveee midnight pukes. Damn tree water!

On the sixth day of Christmas my SUV gave to me…

Basketball hoop in the blind spot. CRUNCH.

On the seventh day of Christmas my trainer gave to me…

Burpees. Lots and lots of burpees. Sadist.

On the eighth day of Christmas my cable provider gave to me…

No internet. Deadline day. Perfect.

On the ninth day of Christmas my oil bill gave to me…

Sticker shock. Going rate for a kidney, anyone?

Then…

On the tenth day of Christmas the American Cancer Society gave to me…

A touching reminder.

And Of Course…

On the eleventh day of Christmas my conscience gave to me….

A swift kick in the ass.

Last But Not Least…

On the twelfth day of Christmas my petty-pea-brain gave to me…

The reasons 1-9 mean squat! xoxo

xmas

 

 

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