Single Sense

 

I’m blessed with an amazing group of strong, intelligent women friends. Any time of day or night I can send out a distress signal and these women will be there with open minds, hugs and if needed, a shovel to bury the body. After, we make cookies.

goodfella

Last week was difficult, filled with challenges on all levels and I turned to my closest gal pals for advice. Like always, the insightful conversation was seasoned with compassionate, helpful dialogue and frightening amounts of cheese. (We singlehandedly fund the dairy industry.) Somewhere between critiquing my latest chapters and solving world problems we slipped into the pitfalls of dating over 45.

Sweet baby, Jesus! I was in over my head fast. The last first date I had was 25 years ago and he’s pretty insistent on staying. I think it’s my eggplant parmesan, or maybe the two kids, until death do us part thing….but I’m pretty sure it’s the eggplant.

Listening as the single-ladies lamented over their dating woes, I couldn’t help but wonder where my highly educated, staunchly independent friends vanished to. Their experiences had a common thread – settling, an acceptance of the mature dating pool as shallow, murky and overpopulated with the tossed back man trout.

trout

Call me an optimist, but I believe if you want a relationship there is someone for everyone. That said, and with my dear friend’s permissions, I’m going to share a handful of tips for dating over 45. Hopefully the genuinely wonderful gents reading this will pick up a few pointers on making a good first, or, fingers crossed, a lasting impression.

Don’t Be THIS Guy

The Trendy Ted – You know Ted, he’s the guy who tries to impress you with his knowledge of hashtags, catch phrases and ‘hip new places.’ Newsflash – the only hip place Ted goes to is his orthopedist. Stop trying to impress, show us your flaws – we like that! We have them, too.stan

Half-Listening Larry – Oh Larry, the king of the quick text and absent phone call. Here’s a simple concept, never greet a woman with ‘sup. A – You’re not Kanye. B – We deserve a complete sentence, at the very least two syllables. We want conversation with nouns, verbs and a few conjunctions of foreplay.

sup

Over-Groomed Owen – If you use more ‘product’ than we do – stop. Be clean, that’s it. Don’t arrive to take us to dinner with granola-crunchy-mousse-mop, and with cologne, less is more. The car is small, so are our lungs. Dressing nicely is lovely, and appreciated.

qvc

Share-it-All Stan – Oh Stan, we don’t want to know about your first marriage. We’ve been there, some relationships don’t last – we learn from them, no one is perfect. If we make it past the first date, and that hinges on you immediately ceasing the recap of your douche-lawyer’s failures, then we can dig a little deeper. Until then, ask if we want to share some nachos and talk about books – books get us hot, and you get bonus points.

Prepare

Sporty Morty – First, if you assume we know nothing about sports, we will rattle off the entire starting lineup for the 86 Mets before the waiter pours the Merlot. Keep it up and we will mentally deflate your genitals to Titleist testicles and go Rickie Fowler off the tee. Don’t stereotype – sports are gender neutral.

DH

Prince Charming is subjective and definitions of happily ever after vary from person to person. What one woman finds endearing sends another running for the nearest emergency exit. Remember, your odds increase when the need to impress decreases – be genuine from day one. (That needs a t-shirt! Calling Trendy Ted – #hashtag!)

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2 comments on “Single Sense

  1. Bonnie says:

    I love to read anything that you’ve written! Always so funny and I can picture you saying every word. Fingers crossed that some men read your post. My closet is going to be full of Tshirts!

  2. Great piece. If it helps to convince my 16 year old I’m right about stabbing the women he hugs in the eye with his spiked hair, lattes for life for you!

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